The negative side to this mixed episode I’ve been in is the rage.
Oh the rage has been bad. Talk about rage against the machine? I got rage towards everyone and everything.
I’ve gotten physical with inanimate objects (I think I told you about the kindle across the room), I’ve gotten even physical with people. No I will not go into that – the shame is to great for me to bear.
It’s like I’m buzzing around inside my skull when it happens and I just can’t stop. My husband always asks what is wrong with you (when the rage hits) and I can’t answer him. All I want to do is scream and yell until the urge goes away.
God then the low comes the “holy crap what type of human being am I??” I’ve been suicidal again. One time last week the urge was so great I almost left my kids and….well did something stupid. The point there is I had the strong urge to leave my 3yr old and 4yr old babies!!!
What is wrong with me?
I called the psychiatrist. My appt is for nxt week but I asked to be put on the cancellation list. Hopefully, Lord willingly, I can get in sooner.
Good Lord please help me. I know …. I don’t know what I know. I just know I need you and I need help. Please Lord.