The soul sucking punch of …. Dang. I can’t even talk.

That’s how bad the depression hit me. It was swift and hard. I even had a catatonic episode. I haven’t had an episode since being put on the Risperidone.

Yeah if you haven’t guessed I’m back down to earth.

My husband good news (can’t talk about it it cause well I don’t wanna but will soon), made me happier but it didn’t make much of a dent.

Dinner I was a zombie. But I fought to talk and be here. I’m gonna be here no matter how much my body is telling me differently.

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My husband was a little upset during my episode. He kept saying I needed you but you kept ignoring me!

Sigh. It’s like when I talk it falls to deaf ears. No one believes a word I say when I describe my symptoms. They just say it’s satan messing me and I’m allowing him to.

But it’s like they are missing everything else! Like the fact that I’m praying! The fact that someone going through the same exact things I’m going through doesn’t have my thoughts (yeah can you see their argument there? Cause I don’t really wanna go through it). There is a lot of misguided thoughts in the church that I want to change but I don’t know where God wants me to start.

Maybe if I could get back to doing schooling. Hopefully soon this new med works and I can start getting back to what I’ve been trying to do.

I’m tired. I’m tired of sticking up for myself. Telling my loved ones the same things over and over only to be ….. I don’t know.

I don’t know. I don’t care anymore. Why am I caring anymore? Why do I even try?

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Can I go home now?

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