They are. I know I’m not supposed to say things like that, but it’s true. When I’m in a catatonic episode; I’m comfy. I’m safe – granted its because I pushed everything out but still, It’s comfy. The world is just so hard to deal with. Everything has slowed down, muted even and there’s just me. Being me; being quiet; being simply silent.
I’m not saying I like when I go there – cause it can come at the worst possible time. Thank God almighty mine have come when there were other people there to deal with the kids and shield them from it. All that embarrassing jazz.
I think I can control it – at least I try to. Unsuccessfully I might add, but my husband has been there to pull me out of it. Sometimes I get mad at him when he does. Who am I kidding, most times…about 99.9999% of the time. Who is he to ruin my safe zone right?
Well he is the perfect person, actually. Challenging me and calling me out on giving in to my “weakness” or however he puts it that sounds oh so irritatingly demeaning and simple and not at all right … but kinda right. I dont know it’s your job to figure that one out.
When I’m catatonic, I hear everything and see everything but I don’t give a crap. So by the end of it I don’t remember what has happened during it. Sometimes I watch but most times I hide my face – I hafta hide my face. I don’t know why.
Now the stuff I think about? That’s different, mostly cause I’m not sure. A majority of the time I struggle with self harmful thoughts. That’s what I really do remember … Oh and a strong desire to sleep. All I want to do is sleep.
Ahh sleep. How I need it so.
Each episode lasts a differing amount of times. The longest was almost an hour or over an hour. I can’t really tell ya the rest of the times. It’s seems like forever to me sometimes and sometimes it seems like 10 seconds. It’s weird…just like me.
It takes me to another place. A safe place when the world is too scary for me. Nah, scary is not the right word….I don’t know what is. Basically what I mean is when the world is just too much to deal with. My anxiety gets too high then boom – catatonia here I come.
It’s annoying sometimes……most of the times…….I do hate when I go through that if I really think about it…….but when I’m in it? I feel so comfy and safe and good I don’t ever wanna come out.
It’s a good thing my husband is as annoying as he is.