Sorry I hate when people put hashtags in their headers but – I’m coming to that.
There’s a crack in my wall.
My wall of…..I have no idea. The wall that keeps me all together.
I mean look what happened the other day and it keeps happening.
I’ve opened up to the husband about it and he started talking about how I needed to trust God more and how I needed to stop writing “ComeUnglued”, how it gives me ideas and it feeds into the ideas that I keep having. I explained to him the blogging helps (hello journaling) and then the Lord hit me with the greatest analogy (cause he don’t buy the diabetes one or the cancer one). I told how if I hurt myself – I can go with out taking painkillers; but if the pain is too much and the praying to God isn’t helping, God has provided a way for me to relieve that pain. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love me if He didn’t relieve that pain, He provided a way to relieve that pain through painkillers. I would be a fool to not take it. And that it doesn’t make me less of a Christian if I did take them because again – God in essence made those pills. He doesn’t want me to suffer, I’m His child.
Boom. Like lightening struck the suhckah. Hopefully I should say.
Now if only my mom would get it.
But I realized something as my frustration at her started to grow. One – she is one the reason the crazy has come to stay. All my life she has belittled and demeaned everything and every invisible pain I had was nothing. No wait – it wasn’t nothing, it was either me being dramatic or just my period. It literally got to the point that I stopped telling her (& my dad as a matter of fact) when I was hurting. Yeah sorry to get all not funny there, don’t like to talk about the past as they are different people now and realize the pain they’ve caused.
Oooookaaaaayyyy…….moving on from this awkward silence.
But then there’s two – the more important one. She just… she doesnt need to get it. Just the husband. But I still want her to get it ya know? Shes my mom.
I mean yes we do live with them, but hey I don’t need to be open with her right?
Anyways, the mania or whatever the crap I’m going through now, is getting more in the way of my everyday life.
It wasn’t before. I’ve always been able to control my urges, but now I can’t. Hence the weird blog title.
I’m taking a rest from twitter. I started a twitter argument accidentally on purpose. So, I’m taking time away until I can see this new doctor, which my new wonderful friend Melissa suggested I call and see if they have a cancellation list or can see me on emergency.
I think I’m gonna call now or maybe I can hold on to september 16th.
God help me what should I do?