The past coupla days I’ve been just wondering.
Why am I still suffering.
I’ve gotten comments that made me wonder, why am I still suffering? Why do I hafta deal with all this crap in my head? I was basically sitting back and asking God: Why me?
And well basically I’ve gotten my answer.
At first I read the bible.
New King James Version (NKJV)
20 He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.
And I was like: Okay Lord. You’ve given me this verse before. I’ve gotten better, only to get worse again. I still don’t get it. What am I doing wrong? Do you hate me? Have I sinned so badly that I (and my family) must keep going through this? What am I doing wrong?
Then I saw Star Trek: First Contact. Love me some Picard.
Anyways, it got to the part where Picard was listening to the opera music really loud that the windows were shaking. My dad goes: That song has to be about his fight with the borg. We gotta research it and find out.
I looked at him so matter-of-factly and said: No, its to drown out the voices. When you are by yourself and the evil voices are all that you hear, to drown it out; you blast the music so loud you feel it reverberating in your stomach. All you hear is the music and nothing else.
Ha. You coulda heard a pin drop in that room – even with the movie on.
Yeah, you could imagine everyone was looking at me like I just came out of the book “one flew over the Cuckoos nest” .
By the way, it wasn’t really about fighting. Its a song about a sailor never going back home and falling asleep to the sound of waves. Or something weird like that.
SO there I was sitting like the only loner, in my own family’s living room and again I asked: Why Lord? This aint fair.
I mean its not fair right? To sit there and be the only who thinks that differently. Who knows why people do the weird things they do, oh wait apparently I do.
Then I saw Veggie Tales. Don’t know ’em?
Anyways, this one I saw, was about Gideon.
Long story short, Gideon was the weakest guy of his family. God chose him and about 300 guys to defeat over 30,000 men who were about to attack Israel.
Well, veggie tales makes it funnier.
And I kinda got it.
My absolute favorite writer; Patsy Clairmont wrote a book called God uses cracked pots. Its about me. Okay, not about me personally as she doesn’t know me….yet (she will cause after all I am awesome).
God will use me; but I need to follow His directions and trust Him.
Yes, I will go through my ups and downs.
I was just diagnosed and apparently re-diagnosed (bummy doctor *insert huge eye-roll here*). I need to take my time.
I need to wait and just rest in His arms. I want to be a ninja – but my time is not yet. I will be here for anyone who needs help; but I need to help me first. I don’t hafta be supermom yet.
New King James Version (NKJV)
3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.