me: I just sent out a tweet about vaginal farts. How many Christian followers do you think I’ll lose?

mom: Ay Jessica. That’s not funny.

me: wha? What did I do? Every woman has vaginal farts. I just get them more because I don’t have a uterus – it’s just weird and funny.

mom: no. Just weird. You are not supposed to talk about things like that?

me: why? I can talk about things like that. It’s apart of me. It’s my twitterfeed, where I talk about what I want to talk about right?


me: (undeterred) so I talk about my kids, which by the way came from my vagina, and my vagina farts. Makes total sense to me.

mom: …. Jessica

me: wha? Wha did I do?

mom: you’re too funny

me: see? You know I’m right! Wait….I forgot what we were talking about.