I was talking to someone on Facebook and it reminded me of this post I wrote on my old blog.
Anyways, here is the entry – slightly changed as I am a little bit of a better writer.
Very little bit better.
(notice the horrible sentence structure? Yeah. DId it on porpoise)
Was talking to my husband on my cellphone when this happened:
Me: Babe, I can’t find my phone.
Me: I can’t find my phone. Please help me.
Him: you serious?
Me: Yes I’m serious. What if an emergency happens? Honey, I can’t find my cell. I need you to call me on it so I can find it.
Him: You mean the phone that you are talking on?
How I wish I was kidding about this story.
But seriously, this ppd, ppa, bipolar – whatever is affecting you? is a liar. It makes you think that you lost yourself; that you will never be you again. If you couldn’t guess that is – one of the hugest lies you will hear.
PPD/PPA and my crazy made me think that the old Jessica was lost, that I would never get her back. That this pathetic shell of a person was here to stay and I needed to get used to the pathetic feeling that inhabited my soul. I was convinced that even trying to get the old me back was worthless.
I would look to people for help; I wanted them to tell me that I would be me again. Surely they could tell me how I could get the old me back. I would look to my husband for help, I would look to my parents for help, I would look to everyone for help except for the one person who actually did.
God. The Lord. He was the only one who helped me. He helped me realize how that awesome old Jessica – never left. That Jessica was always there, just waiting to be found. Sure she was a little scarred (okay, in my case a lot scarred), but she was right there – awesome as ever.
I am not going to make this a preachy entry. Don’t worry, I ain’t throwin’ the bible atcha. And I really want to – but that’s not the point. That helped me; you may not be there.
What am I sayin? Well, under all that muck and mire and all that evil magenta-y yuckiness? Under that heaping amount of sadness? You are there. You will find a way to get to that beautiful soul – DON’T believe for a second she/he is gone forever. Don’t you ever forget. You are there.
Just like I found my cell phone – you will find your awesome. It will be right under your nose where you least expect it.
Cause? You never lost it in the first place.