I was supposed to write a post for BabyTalk Magazine; but I got sidetracked with life and missed the deadline. Basically the reason why is I didn’t get inspired until the day after the piece was due.
Oh well such is life. No matter as here it is for your enjoyment. A post for all my postpartum depression (PPD) suffering mommas out there.
Quickly, I ran to the bathroom.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I locked the door just in time.
The banging started as I turned on the light and looked at the haggered woman looking back at me in the mirror. She’s been fighting too long.
The door shook, the creatures were not gonna give up. But I prayed hard; “God please no.”
I held my breath – hoping the creatures would give up.
Silence fell as quick as my tears did.
“God,” I whispered, “why won’t they leave me be?”
“Cause they need me to survive,” I answered myself rudely.
I quickly shut my mouth as I heard the floor boards creak.
At first, I thought it was nothing. Then the doorknob started to shake.
The tears stained my face; please go away. I can’t handle this. Go away.
Then came the banging.
The door seemed to be alive, as it shook in its place. It seemed to dance, as I stared back at the tired woman in the mirror. “how do you do it?” The doorknob now joining along doing its own rendition the dance. Trying desperately to free itself of the confines of the door.
“God, help me please.” I wiped my tears, fixed my shirt and prepared myself.
“Okay! Okay! You win! I’m coming out! I wont get a full five minutes to myself ever again! I promise!”
I opened the door and those thoughts flitted away as I heard the words: “Yay! Mommy!”
I picked up my beautiful daughter and kissed her face repeatedly; while I started to beat myself up. How can you think those thoughts about this beautiful angel? What a horrible mother you are. She deserves better. No Jessica. No. Stop! You are a great mom. That was just the disease talking, you love her and would do anything for her.
Please if you are suffering from PPD/PPA/POCD – don’t ever think you are alone. Don’t think you will forever be like this. You won’t. There is always and I mean ALWAYS hope. You will get over this and be so much stronger for it.
If you want to talk more, please feel free to email me: justathought 08 at gmail dot com
If you just want information, please visit postpartum progress. A great site, shoo THE top site for resources on: Postpartum Progress® is the most widely-read blog on postpartum depression and all other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth, including: postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, depression during pregnancy (antenatal depression), post-adoption depression, postpartum PTSD, depression after miscarriage or perinatal loss and postpartum psychosis. [Taken from her site]
Remember you are loved, beautiful and so very much needed.