She turned to face the window in deep and utter silence.
Did he expect an answer? How could he? Where was this anger coming from?
She felt the tears well up in her throat. No, I will not let him win.
She just wanted to give up. She just wanted her bed. She just wanted the world to shut off, leave her alone for forever. She just wanted to die.
“No. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the anger, the craziness, the….the…hate. I am just so tired. Why do you hate me so much?” She screamed in desperation, “What did I ever do to you to deserve this?” She could no longer control herself, the tears started to flow; “Please. Just leave me alone.” The sobbing caused her chest to hurt so much, but it was a pain that she welcomed so much.
“I don’t hate you. I am here for you. I won’t ever leave you.” He reached out to her again, “I love you so much. I just want whats best for you.”
“HA! ‘Want whats best for me?!’ But you did this to me! You caused this to happen to me. Of course you hate me, you must. You definitely don’t care about me. Freaking…” She stormed away, anger erasing all the tears.
“You can’t actually think I’d believe that,” she turned and looked at him, waiting for an answer.
He stood in the same spot. Holding out his hand for her. “Well?”
“NO! You will not win like this! How could you think this was best for me?” She raised her hand in defiance.
“Alright Lord, I know this. But you and I both know – thats a bunch of garbage. It is. How is this supposed to make me feel better? ‘…all things work together for good to those who love God…’ seems like such a cop out. Like a general ‘Oh you got bipolar 2? whoops too bad for you Jessica. But don’t worry, all things work out in the end.'” She stood so defiantly before her Lord and Saviour. Not looking him in the eye, but waiting for a comeback.
She looked up at him. Tears flowed freely again.
Recent conversation God and I had.
Okay Lord. So this is me. Trusting and waiting on you, still unsure why I hafta suffer this heinous disease. But I’m trusting in You alone.