So I’m crazy right?

So yesterday, we went to my parents house for a memorial day bbq. While there, my son (who hadn’t napped in 4 days and is going through a growth spurt) was acting weird and he was rather warm.

In the state that I live in there was a heat advisory. My husband decided to take my son outside while my father bbq’d – yeah I know I could just slap him.

Anyways, my parents started commenting on they thought something was wrong with my son and I started to freak. I don’t know if I’ve ever said on this blog; but my kids getting sick? Is a HUGE trigger for me.

So I started getting anxious. Then I started thinking about the other things that I’ve noticed different about my son. The anxiety attack? Turned into a full blown panic attack – well almost. I was pushing it down – this crazy was not gonna come out there.

I started to play a song that usually gets me to calm down – but it wasn’t working.

All I wanted to do was throw things against the wall and start screaming and I wanted to hurt myself. The room was starting to spin, noises were starting to get too loud. I was starting to not control. I was starting not to handle.

I was praying really hard: God please make these crazy evil thoughts stop. I’ve been doing so well. God please.

I started to search for other things, other songs.

My husband and family started to come up with other music to play, can’t blame them. Listening to the same song over and over can be annoying.

Thing was? I couldn’t hide it well anymore. Their song choices were making it worse. And I don’t know why.

“I can’t listen to that! Shut it off!” whoops. Yeah. I screamed that out a little too loud. I had to tell them what was happening.

So they proceeded to tell me what I needed to do – of course cause they know whats best for me.

They started playing different songs – all crap.

Then my husband played “Summertime” by Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald. I was obsessed with that song when I was pregnant with the girl. I picked her up and we started dancing in front of anyone. Then of course my son, not wanting to be left out, joined in and I was spinning my kids around.

Felt good to be able to push it off.

Was grateful, but then this morning?

My mom sends me a text – a bible verse that I need to read to help when I am feeling that crazy.

I know she means well … but things like that really irritate me. Just because I’m going through this does not mean I am not looking toward God for help. It doesn’t mean I’m not reading the bible.

I am doing everything I can to surround myself with the things of God – but this is a real disease. I just wish people would understand that.

I am bipolar and a Christian, sorry to shock y’all…but you can be both.

And you know whats funny? my good friend (who knows about my diagnosis) sends me verses and I dont get irritated. Maybe its the delivery. She doesn’t say what they are for.

Or maybe I’m just a brat and dont wanna hear it from my mom.

Or maybe its cause I’m PMSing really badly.

But seriously though, I was talking to a woman from the church about my newest diagnosis; and she said: did you get a second opinion? You know the enemy is a liar.

The enemy for those of you not cool enough to know church lingo, is satan.

My point is – if I know I’m crazy & when I heard the diagnosis it made sense to me – what the crap?!

I had heard there was a lot of misinformation in the church about mental illness, but this is ridiculous.

Right before I was diagnosed with bipolar, I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized I listened to the opinions of others more than I did God.

As soon as I decided to just listen to God – I came across this fight.

The worst is when it comes from my husband. He’s getting better, but he still has his moments.

Sigh. I want to break down the stigmas of mental illness, but dang this is hard.