so I thought I would give you a glimpse of my crazy.

Why? Cause…well, I can.

Walking through walmart the other day, I started to feel the heart start to flutter. A tell tale sign I’m getting close to an anxiety attack. I said a quick prayer and kept pushing on.

Us mommas, gotta keep pushing on. Especially when no one believes you are sick.

I continue to push the cart with my children along when the crazy starts peeking its head in through the door of my brain. “Is that guy staring at my kids? Wait…were they laughing at our clothes? Are they talking about me?”

And the thoughts start to come. Like an tidal wave of crazy. One by one, the thoughts feel like a ton of weight upon me. I slowed my step, I knew if I let the crazy win, bad would happen. So I start praying.

Nothing but the screaming crazy now. “Go ahead chubby girl, run out of here. Get out before people try to take your children away. Cause you know they can cause you can’t keep up with them. You better start screaming out. Make them afraid of you, so you can get out of there faster.”

Then, I started to shake. I grasped the handle of the shopping cart holding my two precious children.

All I want to do is scream and run around like a mad woman. All I want to do is hit my head, until I bled, until the pain in my heart stopped. Over and over and over.

Why? I don’t know.

I dont think I’ll ever know.

But what I do know? I prayed really hard. Well, not a regular prayer. In my head I screamed out the name of Jesus over and over, until the panic subsided. Then? We walked out of the door and no one was the wiser.

This is not a normal day for me.

This? This is when the crazy tries to take over.

I am so grateful I have Jesus on my side. Am I saying He is the only way to get over this? Nope. Cause I am taking my medicine, but He helps.

Advertisements