so we moved.

I am right now sitting in my new basement. I have had a total of two meltdowns. One because no one from our church came to help us move.

Thanks for showing your agape love people. Dont know what it means? Go look it up. Im too tired to put up a link.

yeah. I went to school and paid attention and im so freaking humble about it too.

Then the second was because I realized that I was gonna be alone with both kids in this huge house.

With them screaming.

and their screaming is a huge trigger.

Tonight the boy screamed so loud during bedtime routine. I was seeing red. I kept screaming at him to shut up.

Poor kid. All he wanted was for his mom to be understanding, except hes got me. A bipolar hot mess.

Sorry boy.

God. I hate being like this.

Speaking of. I had an awesome conversation with my mom today about Gods love. She asked me how would one talk to someone with a mental illness about Gods redeeming love? Especially when we with mental illness have that tendency to …self….crap. Whats the word?!

Dangiit.

When we have the tendency to say how could God love me; someone so extremely far from perfect. I had said on my other blog, I lost my faith during my struggle with PPD because I gave up. I felt like I wasnt a good enough christian – so why should I try? Because obviously, I didnt have enough faith thats why I had depression.

Obviously now I know the truth, God loves me no matter what. As long as I come to Him with a repentant spirit? He welcomes me with open arms.

I have lived my life with such….no in such a legalistic sort of way. I gotta do this in order for God to be happy with me. Or I gotta do this so that God can do this. Or I gotta do this so that God will let me into heaven. It put such an unneeded wall in between me and God.

Man. I feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!

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