Devotionals

I started a devotional page on FB directed toward those who are suffering from any mental illness, physical illness, spiritual whatever-al. I started it for those who have lost hope to find hope.

Please come join us if you want (You can find the link in the box to the side of the page). I just wanted to post an example of what I post just about daily on that page here:

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

As a person with #anxiety issues its so easy to get caught up in my #fears. “What if she doesn’t wake up from surgery?” “What if we get into a carJessica Photos 2014 212 accident?” My mind is constantly moving with what-ifs. They can be overpowering and in fact #paralyzing, if I wasn’t based in the word that is.

Friend, no matter what you face #depression, #bipolar, #spoonie, whatever else mental issue, physical issues, spiritual issues, don’t get bogged down in the what-ifs and the #hows and the #whys. Don’t let the fears overtake you. just be still and remember that HE is GOD. He is in control of every aspect of your life, no need to be afraid of the unknown ninja. All you need is to be still and know that He is God.

HE will take care of you and your needs whatever they maybe.

Is it wrong?

Is it so wrong that I want to spend my alone time with hubby tonight doing this?

IMG_1976.JPG

Why do we hafta fill our time with talking and doing stuff? Why can’t we just laize about (shhh yes it is a word autocorrect), especially when the world is just to hard for me to handle?

Why?

Its been a long road

Jessica Photos 2014 212so the girls sleep test went okay. Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers. My husband said that as he was applying the wires, he kept telling her it was bandages. So she didnt pull them off or put up a fight.

Until they went into her hair, she is my girl after all.

Well, the test is done and now she is going to have surgery.

Yeah.

I’m having that totally. No really I am. You should see the size of that freaking tonsil.

sorry i’m im crashing right now. got to go. i cant think. guess i,m not handling this as well as i thought.

My baby girl

I’m trying not to freak out but I am doing a horrible job of it. My baby girl is going for a sleep test tonight.

My husband went with her (& not me) for three reasons: it’s being done at his job; he’s applying all the gunk on her and I would be a wreck if I went.

Hence me now!

I just want her to be okay. I wish she didn’t have to go through this. But there she went…my little trooper was fine running out the door happy to spend one on one time with daddy and Tio (Spanish for uncle. My brother will be watching the test through the night while my husband sleeps next to the girl.)

So she’s got two bodyguards and I’m still freaking out. Sigh. My poor baby. She walked out the door with her hands over her ears (her scared pose) …. It was too dark out. See? You’re thinking it too…..poor baby.

She’ll be fine right?

Normal

Hi I’m normal….of at least I think I am.

I really shouldn’t say I am because I just hallucinated someone calling out to me…..it’s just me and my daughter in the house right now. Well the husband and boy are here too but they are in bath time.

Sigh. Welp if not for that and for the sinus infection- which could’ve added to the hallucination now that I think about it … I’m okay. Just high on cough, allergy and antibiotic medicines. And lack of sleep which does precipitate for me a manic episode….Dangit. Hopefully I get some sleep tonight.

The Brintelix is out of my system! Officially I’ve not been manic for a couple of days. I know that because I’ve been fighting the magentas.

Not a bad case, just one that makes me not want to do anything. I was starting it last time I talked I think I freaked some of y’all out. Don’t worry I’m okay. I think so at least.

The new doctor I thought I was seeing is actually only a counselor. She wants to see me weekly. I hafta call tomorrow (Friday) to see if my insurance can cover for that cause I have horrible insurance.

I loved talking with her, when she told me she wasn’t a pdoc I was kinda relieved. I guess I really wanted someone to talk to and be honest w and not worry about what they are gonna think about if I say this or that.

My husband is done bathing the kids gotta go be awesome mom. Speaking of awesome mom, my daughter has to go for a sleep test on Monday because of her tonsils. When did they start that stupidity? I’m trying not to think about that but I’m nervous.

Ok. Really gotta go now the kids are starting to dog pile….

IMG_1896.JPG

AM I me?

Its been several days since I’ve stopped the Brinntelix.

I’m still being really creative and awesome.

I want to say thats just me being me – but what if it isnt? what if its me being manic still?

I hate that I cant tell.

I started a devotional for those who suffer from mental illnesses and I post a devotional daily (http://facebook.com/alittleunhinged) I came up with the idea while manic…but I still come up with ideas now. Am I still manic?

I hate not understanding this disease.

Sorry for being so down….I guess you can see I’m crashing a bit. i dont know.

I just want to be left alone and I cant be. I cant be me….sitting on the couch pushing out the world, licking my wounds. I hafta be the me that everyone expects of me. Super Jessica.

What if she cant make it?

This is why

The doctor wants to put me on yet another medicine and my family is making me see another doctor. I wish I was kidding. This is why I don’t like talking. This is why I hate when I’m manic.

I mean it’s partly my fault for making so many so many jokes about the guy (my current pdoc) that they don’t trust him. I mean also I’ve been wanting to….sooooooo…….ok. maybe this is not all my family.

Yeah yesterday was fun. I was dancing all over the place. Literally in the doctors office dancing while he was writing notes. I just couldn’t stop. Sometimes mania is not fun y’all.

Oh wait here’s something funny. He asked me about the time I saw music and the colors and crap. I told him, he asked if it was a pleasant experience. I was like “heck yeah.in fact would love to see it again.”

No!

He was quite adamant about that. Made me laugh.

Sigh what was I saying?

The doctor changed my diagnosis again. Remember how he went from bipolar to major depressive disorder to bipolar 2 back to major depressive disorder? Which is about the time I said I need a new pdoc…now that I think about it. Well he asked me if I was ever diagnosed with bipolar and I told him bipolar 2 and be said, no this…..something something bipolar. (I love how reliable my brain is). That’s why he brought up latuda, that we would talk about it next time. But I’m seeing a new pdoc next Tuesday so we will see what happens. Anyone been on latuda?

Anyways, I crashed last night again too. my brain just kept buzzing….it wouldn’t stop. When will my brain listen? I had enough, but my husband was being his annoying self and kept saying “yes you can do this, stop it Jessica. You’re bigger than this.”

I can’t stand him when he’s right.

image

What was I saying? I don’t know. I got to fight myself today to take kids to homeschool co-op and not the zoo. I don’t want to go to school!

Rage is my name

The negative side to this mixed episode I’ve been in is the rage.

Oh the rage has been bad. Talk about rage against the machine? I got rage towards everyone and everything.

I’ve gotten physical with inanimate objects (I think I told you about the kindle across the room), I’ve gotten even physical with people. No I will not go into that – the shame is to great for me to bear.

It’s like I’m buzzing around inside my skull when it happens and I just can’t stop. My husband always asks what is wrong with you (when the rage hits) and I can’t answer him. All I want to do is scream and yell until the urge goes away.

God then the low comes the “holy crap what type of human being am I??” I’ve been suicidal again. One time last week the urge was so great I almost left my kids and….well did something stupid. The point there is I had the strong urge to leave my 3yr old and 4yr old babies!!!

What is wrong with me?

I called the psychiatrist. My appt is for nxt week but I asked to be put on the cancellation list. Hopefully, Lord willingly, I can get in sooner.

Good Lord please help me. I know …. I don’t know what I know. I just know I need you and I need help. Please Lord.

Special day today

It’s a special day today. Can’t tell ya why. My paranoia keeps me from it sorry. But it is special.

my husband is being awesome, the kids are being awesome……but most importantly so am I.

I feel quiet and almost normal. I keep chasing the kids like the tickle monster I am, my mind is only spinning on slow fast forward.

Maybe…..no. today will be awesome.

Even with some certain guests who grate my nerves unbelievably so. Today will be awesome, I won’t cheat too much on my diet. Did I mention I’ve been having the worst time getting back on the diet since Mexico? I had a bagel….okay okay 2 bagels yesterday. I know right?

Today won’t be yesterday. Today will be awesome.

The only cheat I’m gonna allow is my ….. well if I tell you what I’m gonna cheat on them you’ll know why today is so special. Dang paranoia is a little high.

Oh did I mention I might be joining the 21st century and getting an iPad? Shhhhh……don’t tell my kindle. But it’s been acting up on me, so I threw it across the room the other day. It’s been acting been since then….it knows who’s boss now right?

Anyways, did I tell you I backed down from volunteering for the IBPF? It was too much for me when I was so depressed. I might go back, but I’m obviously gonna wait to see how I do with this new medicine. For now I’ll keep writing here.

I know y’all love to hear about my weird ole life right?