Therapy

it went well. Ish. 

He would talk about himself a lot (him and his family I mean)….but towards the end he caught up with the fact that it was supposed to be about me. 

I’m just kidding , he was just making analogies to his life. 

So I’m on the road to ….. I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I’m in therapy….just now to figure out how to stay in therapy (money is tight) . 

Though I don’t  get how we can’t if it’s just $20 a week. Maybe my husbands last ditch effort to stop me from getting therapy from outside the church.
Though the guys a Christian so I don’t know what my husbands deal is.

Yikes. When did life get so complicated?

Waiting 

so here I am waiting for my first official therapy appointment – that I had to fight for.

No not the Drs office , other people. I just can’t win.

I’m nervous but excited. I’ll let you know how it goes. But I sit here waiting and I can’t help but wonder why I’m here.

I mean yeah I need to be here for the simple fact that I think people are obsessed with me…but why.

Am I doing the right thing? The fights w my family regarding these appointments has left me doubting. Wondering what I’m doing anymore.

God help me. 

  

Trusting God

  

We’ve been going a lot more lately and as you know with the weather getting warmer – the bees are coming out. Sheesh. They are invading our little deck haven and I’m freaking out. My anxieties go through the roof and I wonder if my children are safe from the stings – thank you Jesus we’ve gone without bee stings for now. 

But with that fact I get scared…..are my kids allergic? What’s gonna happen if they are? I could go on with what I think but that’s too much for one post.

After like 20 mins, I said to the kids lets go in, but they begged to be outside longer. Obviously not wanting to pass my fears along I relented. Or whatever … Not sure if that’s the right word. I gave in is what I’m trying to say.

So what did I do? I sat there watching the skies (we have a queen honey bee looking for a home today. At least I think it was a queen honey bee. All I know is it was freaking huge bee.) I kept swinging at it to get away from the kids (bad I know but I gotta protect my kids from dying….maybe), and it would fly away but I had to be vigilant. This bee and the others would not touch my babies!

That’s about the time I realized….no I’m lying I didn’t realize til we got inside…how foolish I was being. I was sitting there, sometimes standing there, swinging my flip flop at the air….I must’ve looked ridiculous. I should’ve been trusting the Lord. How much easier my time would’ve been if I had just trusted God, about the small bees. That big bee was totally challenging me and the kids, constantly in our faces. But the small bees…..I should’ve trusted God.

I know it’s harder to trust because of my anxiety disorder, but let my silliness be a lesson to y’all. Gods got it under control even something as small as bees.

It’s the silly things 

my husband and I have a good marriage. We enjoy the silly things in life…as I’ve mentioned before. So with that in mind I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our family:

 

Olaf. And he speaks.

Hi I’m Olaf, and I like warm hugs
Oh boy
Hear we go
I can’t feel my legs!! I can’t feel my legs!!

And so on. 

He’s been such a joy to our family….ahem.

Anyhow, he was left on the couch one night when my husband went to sit down.

Olaf then screams out:

Oh boy here we go. I can’t feel my legs! I can’t feel my legs!


My husband struggled for a while to remove Olaf while Olaf got stuck on one phrase:

 I can’t feel my legs!   I can’t feel my legs!

brothers

I was in the kitchen when the double trouble team came in. Apparently they had urgent news they both needed to tell me…especially the boy:

the girl: mommy we have a problem –

The boy: (cutting her off) mommy we have a problem. The girls feet stink like blue! 

Ay I can’t with this kid 

Battle of the ages 

 

This is what constitutes as playtime …. Yanking each other’s toy from the others hand until someone cries.

It’s their favorite game other than let’s step on mommys toes after she paints them.

Fun times. 

I’m tired

I’m tired of the slaps in the face. I’m tired of the innuendo. I’m tired of the abuse.

Don’t I deserve better?

Wait….No I don’t. As a child of God I know I deserve nothing and but by the grace of Him who saves me daily; I am here talking to you. And that should be enough for me; but it’s not. 

I’m human. 

I’m flawed. 

I’m struggling. 

In my flawed attitude I want to lash out but I’m holding onto the Lord. Seeking out comfort in Him is the only way I’m getting through this.

Sorry for the vagueness but in my current situation it calls for it. I’m just tired. I just want to be a human being again.

Im tired of being someone’s punching bag. When can I be me? 

Me time

so I had my therapy appt. went really well, I felt safe and just a little bit paranoid when I told him my kids names (huge step for me). It was good.

Now it’s just to find a babysitter for the time I’m there. My mom is as usual too busy to be anywhere near helpful for me. I don’t know why I’m surprised, other people have always been more important than me. 

Wow cry me a river right? Well too bad it’s my blog. I lost my train of thought. I know I could just ask other people to baby sit but still….lemme just have my diva moment. 

I mean where do you think my daughter gets it from?

Today Is not world bipolar day

 

Well yesterday was world bipolar day. I hope y’all were better than me in busting down stigmas door. Me? Just trying to slow my anxious heart enough, cause today I have my first therapist appt.

I haven’t been to a therapist since I went to the one that fell asleep on me, so I’m really nervous as to what to expect. At least I’m going kid less …. Finally one appt I can say what I actually feel without thoughts of repercussions. 

I’ve been feeling better but I think my pms is making things bad again. I can’t tell because … remember I had my hysterectomy …. So anyways, I hope that’s it. Because I’ve been feeling better, I just hate the thought of needing more meds. Especially when I’ve come so far.

Did I tell you the doctor wants to decrease some meds? I love it. I just hope I can live on just lithium. Well we shall see ya know? 

What else? Oh dang I gotta get ready for therapy. Talk to you later….