Colors

so today was awesome….I got 3 glorious hours of free time. I hired our babysitter and ran out the door. Well, when I came back our babysitter had a funny story to tell me. But before I share I should tell ya she’s Caucasian.

Babysitter: so I took the kids to the park. I was getting some sun when baby girl says to me: mrs babysitter you’re turning pink!

Me: (a little embarrassed but giggling at her cuteness) 

Babysitter: so then I explain to her that I turn pink when I get hot and she turns around and says: I think I’m more like chocolate.

Me: laughing louder

Babysitter: then your son looks at his body and says: well we better go before I turn purple

Oh yeah my kids are awesome

Don’t you dare

ive been thinking about something lately and of course I need to address it. So here I go:
Dear people,

Yes, I have a mental Illness. 

Yes, I suffer from suicidal thoughts.

Yes I harm myself.

Do I say things in pride? No, I say these things in agreement. I agree with you people – only because those are facts. They are a not reason to count me out. Here’s some things I think you should know….

I am a great mother … My kids love to be around me. 

  

 

My husband loves me for me….even my weirdness.

  

I can take care of myself, I can volunteer, I have volunteered for stuff. I am a human being that has bipolar. It’s not decripting  me 

Yes I did just make up a new word.
 
I am smart 

I am beautiful

I have a lot of love to give.

Just don’t count me out because of a disease I have. Yes, I have a disease that messes with my mind – but it doesn’t control me. I am a functioning part of society, part of my life. I function.

You tell me not to do something….that just means I’m gonna wanna do it more to prove you wrong. I am someone who people look up to…..doesn’t matter that they are less than 4 feet tall. 

Let’s just get down to it. I can do what I want and that just makes you uncomfortable. Well you know what?

  
Watch me shine suhckahs 

where

Where have I been?

stuck mostly in netflixland – an amusement park that people go to to pass the day. But once you’re there – your stuck for forever looking for something to watch.

I’ve also been taking the kids out – almost daily. Which is a huge step up for me. No more hiding behind my computer. Ha who am I kidding….my iPad. I havent used my computer in forever.

IMG_0101My mood has been somewhat okay. I think (THANK YOU GOD) we’ve finally found a concoction that works (THANK YOU JESUS). I mean I have gotten hypomanic and depressed; but only cause I didnt take my meds one day.

Its awesome to feel like a human being right?

What else? Moving.

Oh my husband and I are planning on moving out of my parents house. finally! No more having Nana so close by but hey I can live with that. I mean I’m gonna hafta, but by Gods grace I can do it – she says biting her fingernails in anticipation.

We think we found the perfect place- but we’ve only been looking one week and we dont plan on start moving physically out til next year. We still got bills to pay ya know.

Now I’m just mentally decorating a house we might not get. Totally normal right?

I’ve been sticking to my weight loss plan. I’ve lost 20 lbs and my brother? 65 lbs. And we started at the same time.

HOW IS THAT FAIR???

My brother said hes lost weight the unhealthy way. Whatever that means. And its hard for me because the meds I’m on causes weight gain. So I’ll have a good day then boom: GIVE ME FOOD NOW becomes my cry. UGH, I have been fluctuating at the same weight for weeks. I am not liking this at all.

Dear mouth, please shut it love me

yeah weightloss is FUUHHNN….

Oh yeah the weirdest freakiest thing happened to me recently. I started getting hand shakes and arm tremors and what not. I talked to my pdoc and she lowered my lithium. I’ve been on the lowered dose for a coupla days and have had no tremors. But it freaked me out because my gramma has parkinsons. I thought for a minute I had it. But thank God I havent had any shakes since lowering the dose.

Okay, I think I’ve bored you enough. Man I need to write more….get this writers block out of my head.

Derf

So we are looking for vacation spots when this conversation happened:

The husband: ….with free boat slip. What does that mean?

Me: it means if you have a boat you can slip it in….there

The husband: Did you really say that? Ya know what? don’t talk to me

Here we go again

going on a road trip again. Off to see my Inlaws in NJ. We go see them once every coupla months. It’s nice to see them but the anxiety is just too much for me.

I hate traveling. I hate being around strangers (cause there is always someone new to meet at their house). I hate leaving the safety net of my own home.

But I know Gods grace will get me through….so I fight.

I fight for my kids to see their grandparents, I fight to not hide in the room when new people come, I fight for a normal life for my family. 

Well that’s me being poetic and junk. Now on to my 4 hour drive (we take an hour for lunch). 

  

I…

I just can’t anymore with all this rage. The sound of my children playing, the soft touch of my husband, a late phone call….all I wanna do is scream.

Lord help me.

I’m glad I’m in therapy cause I really need help with this. I just want to punch something.

I never do but I’m so close sometimes….man nothing I do is right! Sorry side story there. I get afraid of how angry I get sometimes. I remember dreaming that I put someone in the hospital. It was Middle school when that happened btw.

Yeah I’ve been struggling with this for a while. 

And I don’t get the help I need sometimes too! Like when I get this angry, I take my meds and go upstairs to my room. Today that didn’t happen. I didn’t get my down time so I’m forced to grinding my teeth and holding my tongue on every stupid thing anyone does. Doesn’t always work btw.

I try to be the mom and wife they need but sometimes I just can’t. I need ….. I don’t know.

I need Jesus definitely but you know what I mean.

 

Therapy

it went well. Ish. 

He would talk about himself a lot (him and his family I mean)….but towards the end he caught up with the fact that it was supposed to be about me. 

I’m just kidding , he was just making analogies to his life. 

So I’m on the road to ….. I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I’m in therapy….just now to figure out how to stay in therapy (money is tight) . 

Though I don’t  get how we can’t if it’s just $20 a week. Maybe my husbands last ditch effort to stop me from getting therapy from outside the church.
Though the guys a Christian so I don’t know what my husbands deal is.

Yikes. When did life get so complicated?

Waiting 

so here I am waiting for my first official therapy appointment – that I had to fight for.

No not the Drs office , other people. I just can’t win.

I’m nervous but excited. I’ll let you know how it goes. But I sit here waiting and I can’t help but wonder why I’m here.

I mean yeah I need to be here for the simple fact that I think people are obsessed with me…but why.

Am I doing the right thing? The fights w my family regarding these appointments has left me doubting. Wondering what I’m doing anymore.

God help me. 

  

Trusting God

  

We’ve been going a lot more lately and as you know with the weather getting warmer – the bees are coming out. Sheesh. They are invading our little deck haven and I’m freaking out. My anxieties go through the roof and I wonder if my children are safe from the stings – thank you Jesus we’ve gone without bee stings for now. 

But with that fact I get scared…..are my kids allergic? What’s gonna happen if they are? I could go on with what I think but that’s too much for one post.

After like 20 mins, I said to the kids lets go in, but they begged to be outside longer. Obviously not wanting to pass my fears along I relented. Or whatever … Not sure if that’s the right word. I gave in is what I’m trying to say.

So what did I do? I sat there watching the skies (we have a queen honey bee looking for a home today. At least I think it was a queen honey bee. All I know is it was freaking huge bee.) I kept swinging at it to get away from the kids (bad I know but I gotta protect my kids from dying….maybe), and it would fly away but I had to be vigilant. This bee and the others would not touch my babies!

That’s about the time I realized….no I’m lying I didn’t realize til we got inside…how foolish I was being. I was sitting there, sometimes standing there, swinging my flip flop at the air….I must’ve looked ridiculous. I should’ve been trusting the Lord. How much easier my time would’ve been if I had just trusted God, about the small bees. That big bee was totally challenging me and the kids, constantly in our faces. But the small bees…..I should’ve trusted God.

I know it’s harder to trust because of my anxiety disorder, but let my silliness be a lesson to y’all. Gods got it under control even something as small as bees.