I slowly open the door. My heart beating a mile a minute, wondering who will be there and will they know. Will they know my fear? Will they know my pain? My secret shame?
I walk in fingers slightly trembling, as I grab my children’s small hands.
I can barely muster a grin.
I drop off the kids in nursery and quickly hide next to my husband in service.
I do this almost every Sunday because of the social anxiety gripping my soul and the fear of the stigma. I get scared that someone I know reads this blog.
I’m afraid of that pity look. Ya know that one that people give you – “Aw you poor thing. You cant even deal with life. I’m so much better than you.”
….or something like that.
I’m also afraid to lose friends. I have already alienated 2 families in church – to the point they left the church. Granted thats probably the disease telling me they left because of me – but ya cant help notice how they treated me differently when they found out I was mentally ill. Its not something that I cant really fault them for I guess.
Thing is … I shouldn’t be afraid; but its hard living with stigma. I live with it everyday, shouldn’t I get the chance to hide from it when I can?
My family is under the assumption that I don’t need to take medicine for this, that all I need to do is pray more and rely on God. While they are partially right (I do need to rely on God more; so desperately more); they are very wrong. I need medicine, but they don’t want to hear it. So I get the disappointing looks; poor Jessica not trusting God enough, not praying enough – getting grossly misinformed by her non christian pdoc. How little do they realize.
But I guess this is the life God has chosen for me to lead. To be a ninja advocate; busting down stigmas door. Helping the poor and needy; showing them they are not alone in this horrible path of mental illness and that there is hope – in Christ.
so I guess I just answered my own question – I should be open. breaking down stigmas – no matter the repercussions.
Well, here I go.
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