So, I’ve been riding the high train for the past couple days and couldn’t sit long enough to poop. Okay that’s a lie but ya know I’m going for emphasis here.
Anyways, as I was flying high I kept seeing two articles popping up; about what a great thing it is to have a mental illness or whatever. I can’t really remember exact titles or exactly what they said but I do know what my family feels.
Maybe those people didn’t have families or maybe they did and just have had their illnesses for a long while. Maybe their illnesses were not as serious as bipolar, maybe they were worse. I don’t know I don’t know, nor do I care. What I care about is the fact is that they were published in big ways and seen by people who may not be ready to hear that. I know if I was fragile enough that type of knowledge would crush me.
People need to hear that what they are feeling is what is important. Mental illness, like any illness, sucks. And it’s okay to say it sucks …… Cause man does it SUCK! It’s a hard road that we have been given and to coat it with flowers and sunshine is just not fair to others around you who are suffering. It’s a slap in their face even.
Think about it, your hand is cut off. Would you go around saying that was a blessing? No! You would scream that life is unfair, deal with it as best you can and move on, always hampered by your missing hand. Or you can go Luke Skywalkers route and get a mechanical one….but we are going down another rabbit hole.
Those writers….I don’t know the articles, sorry….wherever they were in their lives. Good for them, but they weren’t being good advocates. No. They weren’t being advocates at all, they were just thinking of themselves. I apologize on behalf of them and want to tell y’all:
it’s okay to hate your disease.
It’s okay to not be okay once in a while. Just pick yourself up and try again.
You are not alone, I’m here to hold your hand and help you along the way friend.
So yesterday my brother came over and brought me coffee. He asked me of course what I wanted (coffee wise, other ways it woulda been a long call); I forgot to tell him decaf.
Yeah. I drank a little to be polite…like this much
And then boom the hypo high hit. I quit drinking and told him what happened and he helped me flush the coffee out of my system but the hypo is here to stay.
My mind won’t stop racing, I took my meds last night and was able to get some sleep but not a lot.
Wait wait wait.
I was talking to my brother and I kept getting stuck on a word. Has that happened to you? It kept happening it was so annoying! It’s happened before I can’t remember if I was hypo or not.
Another thing my body keeps tensing up. This is new…could I still have too much caffeine in my body? Or could it be the mania/hypo whatever.
Ok…I don’t remember what else I wanted to say and I gotta call my endocrinologist cause he didn’t give me enough meds this time around. I hate when doctors don’t do what you want, oh I love this song
So this morning I had to run out and get blood work done. Real quick, last night it rained ice; so this morning my car was covered in….you guessed it…ice.
Shocking I know.
Anyways, my car keys are on the same ring as my house keys. So I went out for a minute to warm up the car and ran back in. As I was leaving (my mom was with the kids), i asked my mom to lock up and then I had a horrifying thought:
What did I do with my house keys?
Were they in my pocket?
Were they in my purse?
Lord, please let them be in my purse.
Oh my gosh, what if I lost my keys?
How could I lose my keys?
I bet they’re in my purse
Please God let them be in my purse
As I rounded the corner of my parked car a picture came to mind. My car keys and my house keys…..in the ignition of my car.
You’d think I’d be embarrassed…no. My next thought was “oh thank God”
I’m so awesome.
My kids just started watching this new Disney Jr. Tv show. It’s cute, it’s about the future and space and stuff.
Anyways, one character was playing a game against an alien and my daughter cups her mouth and screams out:
So there I am driving along – with my tribe of course – and boom the person in my car turns to me and says: “I know someone who got dementia from taking antipsychotics for too long. You know you should think about that”
I should state here this person doesn’t think I have bipolar. Forget the fact that the meds are working for me, that I’m finally doing things for myself. That ….. Whatever not gonna keep going down that road cause I think you get it. I mean if you look at the basics of the meds alone? They are working on me – why in the world would you try and bully someone into doing something you want them to do?
Wait….why would you do that to someone who is an OCD germophobe? All things medical trigger my OCD. Why? Why? Why would you be so cruel?
I just brushed them off the best I could and said that I knew that and that it doesn’t happen with all meds (I’m on lithium and risperidone). But still! Wait did I say that? I don’t even remember….sigh. I’m such a mess right now, trying to rush to write this. We got homeschool co op today. My mind is running fast again. I think I’m in a mixed episode …. Cause that depressed feeling didn’t last too long and I tried to swerve my car yesterday in the middle of the highway.
What was I saying?
I don’t know gotta go make sure the kids have eaten.
I hate when they just creep up on ya. You could be just enjoying your day and boom, the evil cloud comes out of no where and settles on you.
No rhyme or reason.
I just hate it. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just crashing from the high finally. My husband came home and was like “what’s wrong with you”…..ummmm, how about everything suhckah?
Sigh. Hope y’all’s day is better. Wish I could concentrate on the funny things my kids are doing.
I’m a little manic right now. Finding it hard to stop fighting with everyone and stopping myself from completing my urges. Dancing barefoot in the snow sounds so cool to me right now I can’t tell you how much but I can’t do it.
I know I can’t. … Right?
Gah. People won’t leave me alone. My kids are whining. I just wanna run.
No literally run. Like take a jog run. Not like my 3000 lb butt can handle that. But I think it would be great. But first just to step on the snow barefoot. Oh how refreshing that would feel! I want to.
But I won’t. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just dance.
So I started to see a new psychiatrist. Pdoc if you will, and I find myself doing the same old things I did with my last one.
Keeping things from her, stretching the truth…granted this is only my second appt with her. I should just calm down with myself.
But now that I think of it Why do I keep doing that? It’s like I’m scared what she’s gonna tell me about myself ….. I’m so weird.
So we got the kids doctor kits….they are obsessed with doc mcstuffins….anyways, the boy found this weird object in his kit:
The boy: whasdis mommy?
Me: it’s a thermometer
The boy: fermahmehmor
The boy: ther
The boy: mah
The boy: meh
The boy: tor
The boy: (what sounded like) the tomorrow
He’s invisible …. Shhhh no one tell him how cute he’s being